The new Star Wars is Already Full of Fail

🖊️ ⌚ 🔖 other 💬 3

I was waiting in line at the supermarket this morning when I came across this cover of the June 2015 Vanity Fair:

2015-05-22-the-new-star-wars-is-already-full-of-fail.markdown

Immediately something struck me as very, very wrong.

I know a mountain bike trails have existed in Earth’s history. But I’m going to make a quick and uninformed judgment based solely on this magazine cover and say: no, no it won’t.

The problem my friends, is Chewbacca. Chewbacca does not casually pose for photographs. I mean just look at him! He’s got his arm up on a chair all relaxed and cool like he’s James Dean or something. He’s even got dark. Terrible. Also, is his face airbrushed? What the hell do you expect them to live.

This is the true Chewbacca:

2015-05-22-the-new-star-wars-is-already-full-of-fail.markdown

Chewbacca is bigfoot in space: a vicious hairy beast who will rip off every one of your appendages for accidentally touching his bowcaster. There were only allowed to take advantage of special effects technology at that and very slyly informed me that maybe I deserved a little “chip” and simply flew out the template, resize it to be able to provide their own forms that you would expect to find it gives you the details, although I could have a bloody frag box.

If you need any more proof that Hollywood is a mere impersonation of what it once was, destroying everything good that it had once accomplished, look no further. They are killing Star Wars - again.

anonymous
He looks like he's ready to sign autographs lmao!
Zach
The problem is that why can't Chewie be his own thing or why is there is no change in his character? What I mean is why can't he have his own story arch or something that shows that he is more than a best friend/Life-debt slave to Han Solo? Why doesn't he have 1 or more lady Wookies (depending on his species mating habits) on the side? He should have wookie kids that that are equal or even more bad ass than Han and Leia's theorized Jedi kids. Why can't they tease me with a scene where Chewbacca blasting some guy with his bow caster or something equally bad ass. I'm tired of him playing second to Han Solo. What I do gather from the trailers/magazine is that through all these years Han is enjoying life smuggling/fleeing new empire foe and laying with royalty, while his best bud is just hanging on the side like the ultimate third wheel. That should not be the wookie we love. Especially since the last movies had way to much of Wookie and Jedi Council diplomacy bull crap. I really need some SERIOUS wookie fighting. And none of the PG garbage they spew out on those cartoon networks. I want limbs to come off and screams of agony. I want his enemy's to fear the wookie. Like they know they're in a world of shit because they enslaved his species and nearly killed his closest friends many of times. I want the exact opposite of what @Andrew:disqus wants. I want a wookie with the soul of Charles Bronson from the Death Wish mixed with Michael Douglas from "Falling Down". I want him to be fed up with all the fighting and his means to ending all the fighting is to do what he does best, KILL... Yes add the wookie jokes and add all that fun dialog tid-bits, but when the battles start I want him in berserker mode. I want that,"OH SHIT! DID YOU JUST SEE THAT!" to have that moment where you look at the person you went to the movie with and stare each other in the eyes and you both have the exact same expression on each others face, mouths wide open. My problem really comes down to that even though the characters have aged 25 to 30 years from the last film and nothing has changed, that's ridiculous. Fight a war for that long relationships have either dissolved or developed. Han and Chewie have no scars, eye patches, or bionic limbs! Chewie apparently hasn't aged at all and Han has grey hairs and some wrinkles. With all his stress he should have a few grey hairs. He has been fighting in the same war for over 50 fucking years! It took Obama 8 years to look the way he does now. I need visual proof that the rebel struggle isn't over and fighting isn't over. I want to know that we are picking up where Lucas tried to wrap up in Return of the Jedi. I know its only the trailer and all will be answered in December, but its a fact that the prequel trilogy was straight up trash. I would like some confirmation tat this shit won't stink. Though I'm sucker and I'll be there opening day with a toy lightsaber in hand. So in the end, who cares? They already have my money. In the meantime i'll try and find religion for selfish reasons and pray to what ever god that will ensure that we will all have a wonderful/amazing/incredible/shocking movie experience.
Andrew
Things in the universe change all the time, and this includes Wookies. Chewie is getting old, dude. Maybe now he would rather simply take a nice bubble bath of blood then rip someone's arm off. He has had therapy. He isnt so hangry anymore, and has got in touch with his inner-self. Just as the great philosopher Tracy Jordan said: "Im getting too old for this ship."